This is foolish. I shouldn't even be trying this. How can this possibly work if we're not living together. I'm going to look like a desperate stalker. I'm going to get my hopes up again and he's going to get close to coming back and then he's going to retreat AGAIN. My heart's going to be broken AGAIN. This is the old stupid pattern. The dudes who wrote this book should have made a list of nice things to do. Now isn't that dumb? I can't even think of a nice thing to do without help or a suggestion. All my ideas for nice things to do are self serving. I'm the one living at the house the trash is my trash. He takes it to the dump for me. He's THAT nice. If I get trash tags I'm just getting them for myself. To make his niceness easier. Isn't that selfish of me? I'm the one living at the house. I'm responsible for the lawn. Mowing the lawn is something that bugs him but, really, it's my responsibility, isn't it? If he lived here, I could cook him something extra nice. I could make the bedroom dark and cool, remove all the clocks and let him sleep until he couldn't sleep another wink. I could have his truck detailed. I could buy him ten boxes of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch and a gallon of whole milk...I could press his shirts. I can't though. He moved out. He drops in, but he MOVED OUT!
Maybe it doesn't stinkin' matter. Maybe just looking for nice things to do is the point. There's no law against being kind. Maybe just being nice and not complaining or trying to get something in return is the point. Maybe just getting trash tags, finishing the 40 days, and not deleting the blog is the point. Maybe I should read day 3 and figure out what to do about tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Day 2: Love is Kind
"IN ADDITION TO SAYING NOTHING NEGATIVE TO YOUR SPOUSE AGAIN TODAY, DO AT LEAST ONE UNEXPECTED GESTURE AS AN ACT OF KINDNESS."
He drops in for about an hour every day. We chat. It's amicable. How am I supposed to do an unexpected act of kindness? I'm stumped. Maybe I could get a heap of trash tags - there's always a crunch on trash day. Or I could mow the lawn. Or I could do both...
He drops in for about an hour every day. We chat. It's amicable. How am I supposed to do an unexpected act of kindness? I'm stumped. Maybe I could get a heap of trash tags - there's always a crunch on trash day. Or I could mow the lawn. Or I could do both...
Day 1: Love Is Patient
4/5/10
Day 1 from the Love Dare says:
"THE FIRST PART OF THIS DARE IS FAIRLY SIMPLE. ALTHOUGH LOVE IS COMMUNICATED IN A NUMBER OF WAYS, OUR WORDS OFTEN REFLECT THE CONDITION OF OUR HEART. FOR THE NEXT DAY, RESOLVE TO DEMONSTRATE PATIENCE AND TO SAY NOTHING NEGATIVE TO YOUR SPOUSE AT ALL. IF THE TEMPTATION ARISES, CHOOSE NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. IT IS BETTER TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE THAN TO SAY SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET." (The Love Dare, 4)
My reaction to this dare vacillated between "Piece of Cake" and "Impossible!" But I did it! I gave up harping a while back...but, I complain - a lot! Passive aggressive crap is my specialty. Martyrdom. Guilt. So, giving up the negativity was hard.
The book asks,
"Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate? Were you
tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let them come out in
words?"
Answer? Oh yeah. One of our old arguments has to do with his job and how tired he is all the time and how he never has time for family stuff. The fourth of July is a very busy time for him. The two tracks my brain takes is - you think you're tired? I'm EXHAUSTED! and you wouldn't be so tired if you said NO once in a while and actually took better care of yourself.
I just listened this time and tried to put myself in his shoes - what must it be like to work so hard for such long hours? I tried to hear him with new ears. I think I might be feeling a bit more compassionate towards him. Maybe.
Day 1 from the Love Dare says:
"THE FIRST PART OF THIS DARE IS FAIRLY SIMPLE. ALTHOUGH LOVE IS COMMUNICATED IN A NUMBER OF WAYS, OUR WORDS OFTEN REFLECT THE CONDITION OF OUR HEART. FOR THE NEXT DAY, RESOLVE TO DEMONSTRATE PATIENCE AND TO SAY NOTHING NEGATIVE TO YOUR SPOUSE AT ALL. IF THE TEMPTATION ARISES, CHOOSE NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. IT IS BETTER TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE THAN TO SAY SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET." (The Love Dare, 4)
My reaction to this dare vacillated between "Piece of Cake" and "Impossible!" But I did it! I gave up harping a while back...but, I complain - a lot! Passive aggressive crap is my specialty. Martyrdom. Guilt. So, giving up the negativity was hard.
The book asks,
"Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate? Were you
tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let them come out in
words?"
Answer? Oh yeah. One of our old arguments has to do with his job and how tired he is all the time and how he never has time for family stuff. The fourth of July is a very busy time for him. The two tracks my brain takes is - you think you're tired? I'm EXHAUSTED! and you wouldn't be so tired if you said NO once in a while and actually took better care of yourself.
I just listened this time and tried to put myself in his shoes - what must it be like to work so hard for such long hours? I tried to hear him with new ears. I think I might be feeling a bit more compassionate towards him. Maybe.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Last Ditch Effort...
For all intents and purposes, my marriage doesn't stand a chance. It never did, really. We married too young, with limited resources, and fewer prospects. Heaped on that joyous mountain was one loss after another. We have grieved over the deaths of precious loved ones, dear friends, and unborn babes that just couldn't seem to make it past the first trimester.
Life's circumstances took it's toll on our relationship. It really brought out the worst in us. We fought over pointless things. I grew bitter. He pulled away. I resented the distance demanding more connection. He retreated farther, talked less, worked more.
After over a decade of marriage, he left - moved out about six months ago. He said he couldn't be happy in the relationship. I begged and pleaded. I sobbed. I was throughly irrational. I made zillions of promises I could never keep. Honestly, though, I don't blame him. We really made a mess of things. I wasn't happy either.
For what ever reason, he hasn't filed for divorce. I won't. I don't believe in divorce. At least that's what I tell myself. Seriously though, how long can we do this? He comes around. He calls on the phone. I call when I need help. We don't live together, though. This isn't a marriage. This is ludicrous.
I was laying in bed contemplating filing for divorce. Trying to figure out what we'd do about the house, how would we split our stuff, who would get the dog. Something stopped me. Deep in my heart I believe there has got to be a way to salvage our relationship. I've tried everything. Nothing has worked. But, a friend of mine gave me the book "The Love Dare" a while back. I attempted it a few times but never quite threw myself into it. To be honest, I never got past the first week.
What if I actually followed the book? Actually read it, do it, journal it for forty days. What would I have to lose? So, starting tomorrow, Monday July 5, 2010, I'm taking Steven and Alex Kendrick at their word. Who knows what can happen.
Life's circumstances took it's toll on our relationship. It really brought out the worst in us. We fought over pointless things. I grew bitter. He pulled away. I resented the distance demanding more connection. He retreated farther, talked less, worked more.
After over a decade of marriage, he left - moved out about six months ago. He said he couldn't be happy in the relationship. I begged and pleaded. I sobbed. I was throughly irrational. I made zillions of promises I could never keep. Honestly, though, I don't blame him. We really made a mess of things. I wasn't happy either.
For what ever reason, he hasn't filed for divorce. I won't. I don't believe in divorce. At least that's what I tell myself. Seriously though, how long can we do this? He comes around. He calls on the phone. I call when I need help. We don't live together, though. This isn't a marriage. This is ludicrous.
I was laying in bed contemplating filing for divorce. Trying to figure out what we'd do about the house, how would we split our stuff, who would get the dog. Something stopped me. Deep in my heart I believe there has got to be a way to salvage our relationship. I've tried everything. Nothing has worked. But, a friend of mine gave me the book "The Love Dare" a while back. I attempted it a few times but never quite threw myself into it. To be honest, I never got past the first week.
What if I actually followed the book? Actually read it, do it, journal it for forty days. What would I have to lose? So, starting tomorrow, Monday July 5, 2010, I'm taking Steven and Alex Kendrick at their word. Who knows what can happen.
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